She's Got My Heart

This girl.

I always tried to imagine what my kids would be like when I was younger.

What would they look like, what would their personalities be like?

Never in my imagination did I think up anything quite like her.

She is one of a kind.

So full of life and personality and so much enthusiasm for everything her little 2 year old life has laid eyes on so far. Everything is a new and exciting adventure for her.

She is extreme...she's either a one or a ten but rarely anywhere in between.

She tries my patience like I've never been tried, but then hugs on me and melts my frustrations as quickly as they came.

Her agenda is never ending...always busy and always obvious that whatever she's doing is 

extremely important.

She plays well and is sweet to other kids, but she's kind of a loner, so far.

She's happy, when in a large group, to find something that makes her happy and go at it alone.

She loves her sister so much, there is little in life that brings such a smile to my face as when she shows that side of her. The love and concern and joy she finds in Lily is beautiful.

Her smile and laughter and shrieks of delight are contagious...I can't be around it and not be laughing, even when the shrieks are painful and leave my ears ringing:)

The way she says words and makes up words and combines it all for her own unique little language.

How she calls for me in the morning and when I come in to get her up, she immediately asks for Daddy and Lily. 

The kisses she blows and the way she sing-songs "I love Daddy, I love Mommy, I love Lily..."

Her silly faces and silly way she wears headbands and wants to wear patent leather shoes with her pajamas and tennis shoes with her Sunday best.

Her little brain developing with lightening speed as everyday, she has a bunch more words bursting out of her vocabulary and continually amazes me with what she knows.

Her love for Daddy and how she talks about him all day when he's at work, and if we drive past the school and don't stop to say hi, it. is. over!! And every single time the phone rings, she drops everything and screams "Daddy!!!!"

And of course mealtime is always a joy! *read with slight sarcasm*

But something memorable for sure.

Especially shirtless spaghetti nights!

And her latest antics during dinnertime...extreme, dramatic gagging.

So exaggerated I have to walk away to laugh sometimes. I should record it, it could seriously go viral. But it's kinda gross.

Yes, we are absolutely entering "terrible two" territory.

Dangerous ground, I hear.

But I don't care. I will not get caught up in focusing on the negative.

Of course there will be rough days. Days so rough, I might even blog about them.

But I choose to focus on her smile, her laughter, her love and her great big heart.

On her quirky habits she's already developing. On the hugs and kisses, the books read snuggled up in my lap. The kisses she lavishes on her baby sis, and the songs she sings and prayers she says.

I will soak up the good times and grow from the trying times.

I don't want to take this stage for granted and I don't want to wish for her to be older or younger,

but be present in the here and now.

Love you Addison!

Busy Month of May

Life is busy lately. May seems to be like that, but I enjoy the busyness. 

It doesn't leave a lot of time for writing though!

My heart has been so full, so glad in God these past few weeks

and I have so much I want to say, but maybe the lack of time to write is

God's way of telling me some things are okay to be left unsaid.

To be enjoyed and to grow in Him but not necessarily shout aloud every detail:)

Instead, I've been journaling while I feed Lily and that helps me 

get my thoughts out just as well, to be shared between myself and God.

So...here are some pictures from lately around here...

She looooves her baby, named (cleverly), "Baby".

She also loves her real baby:)

These last three are kind of fuzzy, but they are important pictures to me.

They were taken a couple of weeks ago at the University of MT where I went to school

during my 'not the greatest ever' years.

As I sat in the University Center with my baby girls and amazing husband,

I thought how EXTREMELY different my life is now from then.

I can't explain to anyone the magnitude of this.

How undeserving yet how BLESSED I am, and how merciful God is.

The last time I was sitting in that place, I never in a million years would have 

believed that many years later, I would be sitting there with a family,

happily married to a good, Godly, man (not to mention good looking!).

I can't express the thankfulness I felt sitting there.

Like night and day, where I was and where I am.

Enjoying an afternoon at the carousel, while Brewfest was going on in the same park.

Yes, we took our kids to Brewfest:)

And enjoyed some delicious Mexican food from a vendor while Addison danced

to the live music playing.  After which I got a mild case of food poisoning:)

(I don't recommend Mexican food out of a small trailer, ever. ever.)

Exhausted after an afternoon with her cousin and the 'horsies' (carousel).

One of my favorite things about summer is throwing whatever we're having on the grill,

and eating outside.

And Addison's headbands, lol!

Lily Grace, peaking out of the Ergo at her daddy. Precious.

I finally got Addison some sunglasses and she is feeling pre-tty cool!

My little one turned 6 months old yesterday.

Happy half birthday Lily! Your life is flying by too quickly!

This next week is craaaazy busy.

And my baby sis, who is actually almost 18, graduates in two weeks.

What!!!!????

Sigh.

Have a great week! :)

What I'm Learning

Does God ever speak to you in obvious ways...as in you turn on the radio and they're talking about something in particular that catches your interest, then the sermon at church the next morning is about that same topic, and then the book you're reading mentions something about it, as well as your morning devotional? Crazy coincidence? Probly not.

This happens to me a lot. Maybe it's because I'm slow to hear God and he has to tell me four or five times before it sinks into my busy brain. But I love when it happens! To me, it's evidence of the Holy Spirit saying "Listen! I have something for you!" A reminder that God speaks to me personally. And I need that reminder sometimes!

That happened twice this weekend, and between the two things the Lord spoke to me, I was released from some burdens I had been carrying around unnecessarily and found tremendous freedom in my life.
Self-condemnation and guilt that I was placing upon myself, always creeping in sneakily from the back of my mind melted away. I am refreshed and want to share briefly one of the things the Lord spoke to me...maybe someone reading needs to hear the same and can be encouraged. That's my prayer!

 Let me give you a couple of scriptures first:

John 15:5

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.

Colossians 2:6-7a

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him...

Here's one of the burdens I've been carrying: guilt at the imperfections in my life. The fruits of the Spirit that I'm not so good at. The areas in which I fail daily and wake up determined to fix. Well I was reading last night out of Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. She was talking about abiding in Christ. How He is the Vine and I am a branch off of that vine...apart from Him I am nothing and can do nothing! It's not enough to be associated with Jesus...we need to be acquainted with Him! And the more acquainted with Jesus we are, the more He can work in our lives, thus changing us.

What? I don't have to strive to be better and better every day and feel like a failure every night when I go to bed and think about everything I did wrong all day? Yup. Sure thing! (This is not to say I should take sin in my life lightly and laugh over it...quite the opposite. We are to grieve our sin, ask forgiveness and turn from it. But we are also to receive forgiveness!)

"All of our [striving] will never accomplish what Jesus can when we let him have his way in our life."

~Joanna Weaver~

I love that. It makes me realize that no matter how hard I try and try and try, Jesus is the only one who can change me, and He will if I surrender to Him! Another quote from the book that I have to add is this (paraphrased a bit):

"I missed the point for a long time, concentrating on the "fruit" of my own personal holiness that I missed out on the connection, the sweet intimacy of being attached to the vine.

And as a result, what I tried to do was as ludicrous as an apple tree branch trying to produce apples by it's own effort--separate from the tree!"

That is so me! Thinking about which fruit needs work and trying desperately to change myself, instead of saturating myself in the Word and in prayer and time with God, letting Him change me! And trying to do it myself leads to failure, which leads to self-condemnation...not conviction which is a good thing, a gift from the Holy Spirit.

I'll end with a quote from a devotional from She Reads Truth that I just read this morning, which tied in so nicely with all I had been reading in the book...

Our roots need to continue their growth. 

We need to, each day, spend time and seek a heart more like His. Not so that we can wake up better...

but to wake up each morning renewed by his grace and made more beautiful by His mercies.

So well put! Remember how I was saying God will use several different sources telling me the same thing to get the point across to me sometimes? Well there was the book, then this morning there was no updated devotional (I do them online at shereadstruth.com) so I literally picked a totally random devotional from last year having no idea what it would be about. What do ya know, it was the same topic...stop striving, Crystal! Last but not least, I had received a text from a girlfriend yesterday that said,

"Stop beating yourself up and ENJOY today with your beautiful family! Be present and enjoy the blessings all around you! Remember our failures just bring us closer to Jesus, so it's good to mess up from time to time...It just means we have to go to him for help! I just felt like you really needed to hear that...Stop being perfect and JUST BE!"

Yeah...I definitely got the message. Sorry I'm a slow listener! Thanks, God:) 

A Forgotten Love

When I was a kid, I loved art. I loved painting and drawing and anything that had to do with art. My grandma was an artist until a few years ago, when Alzheimer's got the best of her, and she instilled a love for all things artsy in me from as early as I can remember. When I would go visit her and my grandpa in NC during the summer, we would spend lots of time oil painting (her forte) and going to art museums. When she came to visit us in MT, she would bring her paints and set up her easel outside and paint the mountains and I would join her with my little easel. I watched that art show on PBS, you know the one with they guy with crazy curly hair who painted these 30 minute masterpieces? I painted with him (I forget his name!) I won't say I was ever the best artist, but I wasn't the worst :)

When I went to college, a lot of things about me died--or at least went dormant for a long long time.
I hesitate in how much to share, since the point of this isn't to give my whole testimony. I just want to share something that's coming back to life after being gone for years--forever I thought. I moved into the dorms on my 18th birthday, goody two shoes and WWJD bracelet-wearer, determined and a bit prideful about what I would and would not do in college. On my 'not-to-do' list included the party scene. This resolve lasted approximately...5 hours. Yes, I made it only hours alone in the dorm on my birthday, not knowing anyone and still an insecure young woman, before making the decision to go to my first college house party. Long story short, I ended up spending the better part of many years heavy in that life. I won't go into detail right here, but it was some crazy years of which I'm not proud, although the Lord uses my testimony in amazing ways now, ten years later.

I got so hung up in my awesome life (I thought it and I were pretty awesome at the time) that I let go of some of the things that were once so important to me. I let go of God, as well as some of the gifts/talents, abilities, and loves that He had given me. Well, God took me back, the prodigal daughter, just as I was: a mess. He loved me unconditionally and I slowly and steadily grew in rebuilding my relationship with Him. Life has been busy all these years since coming back to the Lord. I moved across the country and got a job where I worked 50 hours a week and spent lots of time with family. I went back to school, met my husband and got married, graduated college, had a baby, moved back across the country and had another baby! It's been a whirlwind. And as in love with life as I am, as happy and fulfilled and thankful to God as I am...there are still small pieces missing. I never put myself fully back together.

This might be shocking to people who know me as fitness enthusiast, health nut, former personal trainer/fitness instructor/boot camp leader, etc...I like those things, but they developed in a weird, unhealthy way. I had a mild case of an eating disorder on and off during college and was always concerned and unhappy with my body. I became addicted to the gym. I changed my major to Health and Human Performance and got certified as a personal trainer. Anyway, as I've gotten less and less concerned with having a six pack and super model legs and more concerned with just being healthy, I've become totally uninterested in ever having any sort of career in that field. I love nutrition and healthy food, I love running and getting a good, hard workout, but Anatomy, Physiology, Biomechanics, Motor Control and Learning, and Kinesiology....never again! That's just not who I am. It's who I became in the midst of a disastrous time of life for me.

The artist in me has slowly been coming back out of hibernation over the past few years. This week, as MT has transitioned from winter to summer (we skip spring here in this state), I've been noticing beauty in the most simple things. The pictures in this post are mostly just little pieces of everything coming alive again after a long winter. Everything catches my eye. I've slowed down and taken it in piece by piece and soaked it all up. I realize that even though I have no room nor time to get out my oil paints and canvases, I don't have to paint to use my gift or to enjoy a love that God instilled in me. It can come out through cooking and baking...a passion that's grown over the past few years. It can come through pictures I take, and even though I don't have a fancy camera, photoshop and Instagram on my phone do okay for now:) Little crafts at home, decorating and creating new cupcakes as I start my little business, and simply noticing beauty all around me, beauty in the small things as well as the big obvious things...all of this counts! Maybe someday when my girls are a little older I will get out my oils again. And I can't wait to have art time with them, to get out the crayons, colored pencils, water colors, construction paper and glue and scissors and chalk and glitter (I love glitter. My husband hates this about me.) and just watch and encourage the creativity in them.

As I write this, the sun is just coming up behind me, the sky is painted so magnificently, as it is every morning in MT. It's a painting that can't be recreated. A painting a thousand words can't describe. Painted by the most famous, greatest, most awesome artist in the world. Good morning, God! Thank you another day to enjoy your creation. And thank you for taking the snow away! :)

Have a fabulous weekend, and Happy Mother's Day to all the Mamas out there!