For The Love of Burpees

Oh man, last week was not so fun!

Monday night, I decided 4 months postpartum was long enough to take it semi-easy, exercise wise.

I have been working out oh so lightly, as I learned my lesson the first time around, waaaay overdoing it all too soon after Addison was born.

I had been super restless for numerous reasons the past few weeks;

It's still winter here, so I am still in the house a lot, and my girls have been sick, so I guess I just have pent up energy to burn.

Anyway, like I was saying, Monday I found this great workout online, no getting ready for the gym and driving there in the cold necessary.

I'm brilliant sometimes, and burpees combined with hopping side lunges or whatever they're called actually seemed like a pretty fun idea, so I happily complied with the video and did this super crazy intense 37 min workout.

My hubby informed me that burpees are only necessary for football players who are being punished.

I on the other hand, was trying to convince him to do the burpee challenge with me this summer...although I am rethinking that now.

If you don't know me, I'll just tell you, years ago, I was probably a workout addict.

And I cared way way way too much what I looked like, what my body fat % was, uhhg.

Not anymore.

But I still get the 'runners high' type of thing from a really good, hard work out.

Now, my motivation is simple.

I want to be healthy and I want to keep up with my kids as they grow.

I want to be an active family, and two pregnancies almost back to back has taken a toll on this 30 year old body. I just don't feel strong and athletic as I once did. So I'm just trying to get it back!

And in the process of trying to get it back, I threw out my back!

Monday during the workout: felt great (the endorphins maybe?). Monday a few hours later: Hurting but telling myself it was fine. 

Tuesday, I was hurting bad. Wednesday, I desperately wanted to ask Brad to stay home, but decided I would be okay. I wasn't. By Wednesday afternoon, I was, at times not able to stand up anymore. I couldn't hold my babies, so called a friend to come watch them till Brad got home,

and headed to the chiropractor.

And it got worse.

That night, one of my ribs somehow popped out of place (I did not know that could happen!!!)

and I spent the night half sitting up, trying to get enough oxygen, as each breath pinched a nerve.

Well I could go on and on, but I'll spare the rest of the details and just say,

thanks Mom for coming to help, and thanks hubby for taking Thursday off for me:)

And thank you friends who knew I was having issues, for praying.

It's hard to not be able to hold your babies when they want you.

Obviously, they don't understand; they just feel rejected when you won't/can't hold them. So sad!

I'm on the mend now.

Praying for a better week this week!

And praying my mind can focus as we prepare for the celebration of the priceless gift our savior Jesus Christ gave us as he took up our sins on the cross, giving us the gift of eternal life and then rising again, conquering death once and for all.

We serve a living God! Sometimes I think I take all of this for granted,

as is easy to do sometimes when you've grown up in the church.

I don't want my mind to get numb when I think of the cross, of Jesus' excruciating death that my sins caused, and his resurrection, giving me undeserved life everlasting.

I want it to as amazing and wondrous to me now as it is to a new believer.

I don't want to just go through the motions or let those words come out without thought.

I want it to hit me hard every time I hear it or say it or write it or think it.

That's my prayer.

Just a few pictures from the past week or so...

Have a fabulous rest of the weekend!

His Way, Not Mine

Monday morning.

I know I've said it before, but I do love Mondays.

Monday gets a bad rap.

Most people don't have anything nice to say about it, but as I've said before, it's a fresh start.

A new week.

Whatever went wrong or was hard last week is over; we get to try again.

We can do better this week.

(I'm not a total weirdo...I definitely enjoy the weekend most of all. Just sayin', Monday's not such a bad day of the week!)

Today, and the past few days, I got an early start.

Lily has moved her wake up time a full hour and a half earlier.

She starts fussing around 4:45, and I can put her pacifier in and snooze for fifteen minutes or so, but by 5, she's ready to be UP.

So 5 it is.

I have no complaints...she sleeps through the night, and getting up at 5 isn't so bad.

It's more time in the morning with just me and God and my little one (who is 4 months old today!) in my lap.

The house is totally quiet.

It's still dark and I get to watch the sun come up.

My mind is focused (after a few sips of coffee) and I just talk to God and listen and worship.

It's a sweet time and such a perfect start to the day.

I so needed that time with God this morning in particular.

This weekend was hard.

I cried. A lot.

And with out necessarily acknowledging it consciously, I think I was upset with God.

I know, I don't have that right.

I mean, God is God, who always knows best, who does things His way for a reason, and who am I to question him?

He said 'no' on a rather big issue, and frankly, I was upset about it. I thought he was going to say 'yes'.

Yes, I'm a brat sometimes. No, I'm not proud of it.

As I often do, I'll skip the details and go for principle instead here.

Long story short, there was a pretty big, life changing issue on the table in our house for the past month.

Actually for the last year really, but it was decision making time, so we had really been in prayer for the past month.

I prayed and prayed last week for Brad to have wisdom and clarity in making this decision.

For God to lead him, and for me to be able to trust my husband whatever he decided.

Here's the honest ugly truth: I assumed things would go how I hoped.

When they didn't, I had a hard time.

I wasn't angry with anyone, just more disappointed than I realized I would be.

There were lots of tears on and off.

A cloud all around me.

God didn't say 'no', he said 'wait', and that was hard for me.

But I have peace, now.

I truly desire God's best for my life; for our life together as a couple and as a family.

And if I really believe that God's ways are higher than mine, than I have to be okay with whatever road he chooses to put me on.

His way, not mine.

His timing, not mine.

Even when it makes no sense.

Even when it means difficulty or hardship.

And I take heart, because I know that trials are a test of my faith, which produces perseverance, which produces maturity and completeness (James 1)...and I want that!

I know my struggles are nothing compared with other peoples' struggles, but none the less, struggles they are.

 I know God is working on me in so many ways...

some are obvious to me,

others, I'm not so sure.

And so this Monday morning, I had a heart to heart with God.

Was honest about how I had been feeling all weekend (as if he didn't know already).

And I read in Isaiah 45, two things that I will leave you with...maybe these passages will speak to you wherever you are right now.

I won't say how they spoke to me because that won't leave room for Him to speak to you...

Isaiah 45:2-3

"I will go before you and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you hidden treasures,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord, 

the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

Isaiah 45:9

"...does the clay say to the potter,

'What are you making?' "

Enjoy your Monday:)

The Girl At the Park

My little sickie. Poor thing looked like this (above) most of the past few days.

Doing much better today though:)

Do you ever talk to someone and afterwards you realize maybe God orchestrated your meeting?

A divine encounter you might call it...

I had one of those yesterday.

I had finally got us out of the house after a week of being indoors, as all of us had been sick all week.

We loaded up the double stroller and went for a walk to take advantage of the sixty-something degree day--something lovely and rare in March!

 I told Addison we would stop at the park on our way back, and as we got within a block of the little park by our house, I noticed a couple of little ones around Addison's age playing.

Then I noticed their mom, and insecurity almost got the best of me.

See, as I already mentioned, this was sick week at the Knox house, and although I felt okay, Lily was still a miserable mess, and I had been non-stop holding her so I was looking scrubby and shabby, and that's an understatement. Sweats, a T and ugly hair were my apparel for our little outing and I was not a pretty sight!

Well this adorable skinny little mama had the cutest little outfit on and her hair fixed all cute...I know, I sound so ridiculous, but admit it, you can relate at some point in time!

I wish I never had the problem of feeling insecure, but every once in a while, it just creeps in ever so slyly.

Ok anyhow, I am not so shallow and insecure as to let these feelings totally take over, so of course I took Addison to the park anyway, smiled and said hello to miss adorable mom, and walked over to the swings.

Let me just say...Insecurity is not a thought from God, which means it has to come from the enemy.

I do believe, the enemy did not want me to meet this girl or have the conversation we had.

He didn't want me to be encouraged or motivated in the way she motivated me.

So he whispered those thoughts of 'she's cute, I look hideous' in my mind.

But when the Holy Spirit dwells in us, we may still have those negative thoughts, but we aren't a slave to them anymore. We overcome, because we are led by Christ, not our flesh.

I won't go into detail of our brief conversation, but I will say that the Lord used her as a gentle reminder to me. Instead of God slapping me or something, he lovingly spoke to me through a sister in Christ (who happened to be the kids' nanny, not mom).

She didn't have to say anything directly...obviously she had never met me before, and she has no idea how God used her to speak to me yesterday...it was simply her demeanor and soft-spoken yet bold, humble yet confident words that struck something deep within me.

You see, there are some things in my life that I had started getting lazy about; not physically lazy, but lazy in remembering to be intentional and focused on in certain areas of my life in which I struggle.

There are things that, if I don't ask God for help with daily and then consciously make an effort with, I fail miserably.

The girl at the park was overflowing with the the specific qualities that I fall desperately short of possessing without a daily dose of specific scripture meditation and intentional prayer asking for God's grace in these areas.

In addition to what the Lord showed me yesterday, there were more lessons learned!

Number one, be listening for the Holy Spirit to speak to you. He's creative and desperately wants to get our attention...he might just send someone to chit chat with you at the park, grocery store, wherever,

but we have to quiet our spirits and not be so full of the world's distractions so that we can recognize when he speaks to us.

Number two, simply put we all know that who we are matters more than how we look, but as women,

sometimes we fall into the trap...you know the trap I'm talking about!

We get focused on the giant pimple or the extra ten pounds we've put on; the squishy belly that takes forever to go away after having a baby; a worse than bad hair day; a wardrobe we hate at the moment. Pick your poison. We all have our issues.

Why is it sometimes so hard to cultivate inner beauty? Because that takes a lot more work than fixing our hair, concealing a pimple, buying a cute new outfit, hitting the gym...

But it's so much more important and a thousand times more rewarding, plus the Bible says to, so it's not really optional!

I desperately want to be a godly woman. That is my number one priority; that's my heart.

So it's disturbing to me that yesterday, I almost missed out on an opportunity to hear from the Holy Spirit because I was thinking about how ugly I thought I looked. Sounds so ridiculous, but it's true.

I don't consider myself an insecure person in general, nor extremely superficial; you can find me (proudly) in sweats pretty often in fact:)

The point is, in all honesty, I still succumb to those thoughts on occasion.

I don't know where I'm going with all this anymore. I'm rambling at this point.

Just want to encourage you...don't miss out on opportunities because you're having one of those 'moments'!!

You know the verse as well as me...

"Charm is deceptive and beauty fades, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

And as we used to say as kids...TGIF!

Seriously. Thank. God. It's. Friday.

Hope you have a beautiful, blessed weekend.

And if you haven't heard this new song by Israel Houghton, Moving Forward, you should check it out here .

:)

My Little Sickies

My baby girl is sitting up in her bumbo these days...not her favorite thing, but she's happy for five minutes or so, which is better than nothing right! She is happy as a clam in mama's arms all day long, which I kinda love, but it's killing my back, so I'm gradually working on getting her to be content with other things through out the day. She is one happy baby almost all the time.

Yeah yeah, I'm one of those cheesy mom's who makes her girls wear these outfits ('best big sister ever' and 'baby sis' shirts) on the same day, even if we're not going anywhere. It's too fun. I love dressing them everyday. I actually can't wait till Addison can pick out her own clothes...I'm totally letting her pick her outfits once she's old enough to understand the concept of picking a top/bottom/socks/shoes.

I don't care how silly she looks (as long as it's weather appropriate!), I just want to allow her to be creative. I'm sure it will make for some hilarious outings...

This past weekend, we went to my parents for a couple of days. We got to relax and refresh, which was  exactly what the doctor ordered, for me anyway! Last week was hard. Like I was in a constant state of being on the verge of a breakdown. Mentally I couldn't handle hardly anything, and physically I wasn't doing so hot either. Today I felt like a new person, mentally anyway. Here's the downside to our weekend. We knew the girls weren't feeling super great, but I just thought they had little colds, which is totally normal for them both. They always seem to be a tad bit sick, especially in the winter.

Well it got worse as the weekend went on, and Sunday when we left, Addison was pretty much inconsolable the entire day, including the three hour car drive. I felt terrible for her and we gave her some medicine and some teething tablets, and even bought her a milkshake in desperation, thinking the cold would make her teeth feel a little better and it would be a nice treat since she was having such a rough time. She wouldn't touch it. She screamed when I tried to give it to her, thrashing around and kicking...seriously, I've never seen her so distraught in her life. It was bad. Sunday night, Lily started coughing like crazy, so I decided to take them both to the doctor yesterday.

RSV. Both of them. And Addison has a raging ear infection in both ears as well as a couple of molars coming in. No wonder she was freaking out!!! She seems to be much better as of last night...the teeth have popped through, she has passed the worst stage of her virus, and we gave her her first dose of antibiotics for her ears. Lily, she doesn't seem to mind being sick. She will cough violently for like five minutes, then give this giant grin. Her doctor called her a 'happy wheezer'. 

I woke up sick this morning, although thankfully I don't feel terrible. So, looks like we're not going anywhere or doing anything this week. We are a sick factory here! (Sorry mom and dad...we didn't know!!!!!)

We also stopped at my brother's and sis-in-law's on our way back. Olivia dressed Addison up and they had a fun time in their princess outfits and tutus. Here's Addison, making a very important and serious phone call apparently!

Cute cousins. They can't hold still long enough for me to get a good picture, so these are as good as they get!

We got home, put two sick cranky girls to bed, and had a lovely dinner together.

And it didn't get dark till almost eight o'clock! I love daylight savings time! Spring is coming!!!

That was our weekend, how was yours?

Under My Feet

Every once in awhile, I write a long post and save it but never actually publish it.

For some reason unknown to me, I just won't have peace about putting it out there for anyone to read.

Yesterday I did that.

I wrote and wrote and wrote everything on my heart, but never hit 'publish'.

And I am so glad I didn't!

It was one of those posts that I would have looked back on the very next day and realized, how foolish!

But just writing things for myself is beneficial sometimes...it helps me work through things in my mind.

Anyway, let me just tell a little bit about the past few weeks, and what I started to write about yesterday, and why I'm glad I didn't!

Every so often, I pick up a book to read, and it totally changes my heart, my ambitions, my everything.

The two that have done this so far have been

Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and

Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.

And recently I have a third to add to that list.

The past few weeks, I've been reading

Crazy Love by Francis Chan.

It lit a fresh, new fire in me that had been laying dormant, as maybe tends to happen when all your time is spent being pregnant and having babies, as has been the case for me for the past two years.

In the midst of reading Crazy Love, I started praying over a dream of mine that I've had on and off for years now, and the Lord started to make my vision so much larger than I had ever imagined.

Impossible seeming, except I am not afraid to step out in faith beginning the journey to get there, because I know that if it truly is God's will, then nothing can stop it from succeeding.

Let me say, the past three weeks have been nothing but productive for me.

I realized how much I could get done while spending hours on the couch feeding Lily and while the girls nap, and I've just had the mentality that every day matters. We are never guaranteed so much as another breath, and I want to live each day as if it were my last.

I had been putting ideas to paper, contacting people who are already doing things similar to what I envision, researching business plans/non-profit procedures, etc.

I will never say I'm the best mom, but even in that area, I had been more prayerful than ever, and just felt like things around the home were right where they're supposed to be.

All that to lead up to the next part...

The devil attacks us when we are in the midst of doing.

His attacks come when we are most active in seeking God's will and when we are being most obedient to God, when every ounce of us is dedicated to fulfilling the call on our lives.

He doesn't want the kingdom of God to be advanced,

and when we are truly hearing from God and setting out on tasks for Him,

we can expect to receive attacks and we have to be prepared for battle, not fearful, but confident that with Christ,

WE WIN.

Let's just say I wasn't prepared for battle.

At all.

At the peak of my determination to live each day to the fullest,

suddenly I became sad and unmotivated and exhausted. My winter blues hit me like a ton of bricks.

Health issues started piling up, which is kind of a double whammy when you consider the medical bills that come along side it.

The girls were crabbier than ever and days became long and depleting.

Tuesday I broke down crying several times. Yesterday I started writing about it, but never posted it.

And then last night, I got to go to the gym (which is rare these days) and as I was running on the elliptical, I started praying, and almost immediately, the Lord showed me that I was under attack and that I had better start fighting!

 And so I did. Right there.

I closed my eyes right there on the machine and started singing praise songs in my head, even songs from high school youth group came into my head,

about satan being under my feet. (what a great picture that is!)

I felt a tremendous release; all the weight I'd been under and the cloud that had enveloped me for the past week lifted.

No, my health issues didn't just go away, the day was still grey (although today is lovely!), my girls were still crabby...but my joy came back because ultimately my joy is in the Lord.

I think of the song lyrics...

"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." 

So true, and if we don't genuinely believe this and hold firm to it, then life will be pretty hopeless.

Sometimes I forget and start wallowing in the negative things around me, but thankfully, God gently reminds me of where my joy comes from and pulls me out of my 'cloud', if only I allow him.

I'm so thankful that he's so patient with me!

If he weren't patient, he would've given up a loooong time ago!!!